Some weeks ago a new chapter in my life started. I don´t know yet is it good or bad. Does it made me happy or unhappy. That's left for me to figure out. But life isn't ment to be easy.

There are some hugh decisions to do. Just don't know wich one is the right way to go. None of them feels ringht, but none feels wrong either. Or kind of both feels wrong.

What's the meaning whit life, and why is the human beeing the most self-destructive animal on this planet? Why has the man to destroy it's only place to live? All of us are self-destructive in one way or another. Someone just takes it more litterary than others. So, what's the point whit life, when its going to end anyway?

Well, this is the end of my journals hee.I'm not allowed to write anymore here.

Thaks and godbye

"Ja pyysin heräämään.
Kertomaan minulle sumun läi saattajasta
vastarannan yksinäisestä aamunodottajasta"

Life feelt like that right now. Nothing works as it should. And in my mind I wish I would wake up soon. Wake up and live as normal people do. But no, I can't.

"Yörhosen siivistä
päälleni satava tainnuttava tomu
nämä pehmeät pinnat syövät jalkojani"

Life is compilcte. You should do everything, cant forget anything. You wish you were someone else - someone normal. Feels as I'm not allowed to think what I thind, not allowed to do what I do. Not allowed to live as I do. Locked inside the four walls at hone.

"kun uni kuolee, minä suljen ihoni huokoset
kun uni kuolee, pidän kylmän veren sisälläni
kun uni kuolee, olen täynnä piilopaikkoja
jotka haluan löytää"

If I would wake up, I would like to understand things. Trie to understand why am I so stupid. Why life hates me, and why I haven't been happy in my life. The only things that makes me happy are my boyfriend and my rabbits.

"Harvoin minä olen sinua ajatellut, olen vain ihminen.
Pääni haluaisi, mutta lihani ei tottele.
Vetäydyn velttona peiton alle."

I know I should do a lot of more thind every day. And in my life. But It won't work out, not at all. Sometimes, o quite often to be honest, I would just want to hide and fell a sleep, and wake up as a better person.

"Olen minä huutanut sinulle
tavoitellut tukea
ja aina kun sanot sen
ihan mitä vaan."

Lot's of times I've just screamed, screamed things no-one can understand. But still he tries to undersand me. I love him. I'm happy he tries to understand me every morning I wake up next to him, every evening I ell a sleep next to him. How can he be that strong?

"Neljä seinää nurkistaan vetävät yhtä tuulta
Huojuva heinä kurkistaa pientareilla kahta puolta
Matkasta tulee, matkasta tulee pitkä
Gramofonin neula kiertää samaa ympyrää"

Day after dat, same things happens. But nothing changes. Some things are good, other are bad. I wish I could me happier sometimes. Not that much dark thaugts, and trie to thing what I say, but no, I cant. I'm to stupid.. too stupid.

"Since I was born I started to decay.
Now nothing ever ever goes my way"

Wish I wouldn't have been born as this. But if I haden't I wouldn't fell in love with him. And I love him. Life is too difficult to be easy.


Lyrics:
Verenpisara - Aamunodottaja
Verenpisara - Kun uni kuolee
Verenpisara - Harvoin
Viikate - He eivät hengitä
Placebo - Teenage Angst
Placebo - This Picture

"Farewell the ashtray girl
Forbidden snowflake
Beware this troubled world
Watch out for earthquakes
Goodbye to open sores
To broken semaphore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture"